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| OK, I am not trying to brag, but here is the thing, from my middle school to graduate school applications, I did not understand why we had to pick more than 3 places. When I was asked to pick 20 middle schools on the match form, I ranked 3 of the best girls' school in Hong Kong. Likewise, I was reluctant to enter 25 choices on my JUPAS college application form. Even when it came to graduate school, when every sane person in the academia told me I had to apply to at least 15 (?) places, I lied to my professors and ended up applying to 6.
Seriously, if I wasn't able to go to my favorite middle school, I would have done just fine in any school. (If I didn't get into my top-choice program in college, I might actually have been happier.) If couldn't make it to graduate school, I could always try again or reconsider whether that's what I wanted. After all, you will only end up in ONE place. If it's not one of your top 3 choices, you probably don't really want to be there. So, the question is, why am I slaving myself, writing and rewriting to places that I passionately love, as well as to places I am ambivalent about? It felt as if I were trying to play by the rules and doing it for the sake of doing it! I understand internship is different. Without it, I will never graduate. That is a larger issue than not getting into college or graduate school, I suppose?
Barry Schwartz wrote a whole book called "Paradox of Choice" because he wanted to dispel the myth that the more choices we have, the happier we become. I think choices are great but when I am forced to make more choices than I intend to, it isn't fun at all. I guess I can limit myself to 2 choices: Being honest or not. Of course, I am putting my future at stake if things work against me because my decision. In the end, there really isn't a choice.
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| Remember I once said I wouldn't mind being spring onions? There's a problem. Nobody wants to eat plain spring onions. Spring onions are great as add-ons, but they don't stand alone. 
Leaves are important to the flower, but without the flower, who cares about the leaves?
Hmmm...
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| Is it possible to have a really good day (Realizing you do know a lot of things and have a fairly sound mind; the ability to communicate with a diverse group of people and a natural talent in establishing rapport... ) and then lose your cool over such a trivial, likely easily resolved thing?
I can understand how and why sometimes some people feel that life's unfair, as if they're being given more than they can handle. I guess it isn't true, for most of us who have to face these things happen to be people who also have the ability to tackle them. I like to see these as helpful training opportunities in character building and formation. In a way, perhaps that's exactly why those other people who seem to be having an easier life also seem to be lacking in their integrity.
I don't think what I've said so far is easy to follow, because the train of thought of a person who's angry is always harder to follow. I don't need to or want to dwell on it, but it's not the first time I sense this irony. If you're not planning to offer help or sage advice, then don't pretend you will. I have come to accept how some of you only talk to me when you need help, but not vice versa, but at least be honest about it. This is probably an oversight but I am rather disappointed that it is happening. At the end of the day, what I am saddest about is not the outcome, which is beyond our control anyway, but the fact that people I once believe are wonderful are, well, not so wonderful after all. I still want to hold onto the belief that they are good, but it's becoming harder.
I know I am overgeneralizing, "globalizing", and "stablizing" the situation. Maybe what it really boils down to is the fact that I am physically exhausted. That typically has an impact on our mood and when we are not in a good mood, it's easier for us to only focus on the negative aspects of people and situation.
Even if the above was true, I still wanted to reiterate my disappointment and fury. It almost makes me wonder why I should be working so hard and be always helpful sometimes, but that's an overkill, because no matter what happens eventually, I can't stop learning to be a better person each day, even if there doesn't seem to be any immediate or even long term benefit.
:(
Some voices count. My probably doesn't.
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| If you go to the self-help section at a bookstore, chances are you will see this phrase somewhere. We all know it isn't helpful to magnify small problems but we do it anyway. Five years ago, I was sad for an evening when I got an A-. Somebody laughed and said I wouldn't remember it 5 years later. He's definitely right. In fact, I had no recollection of having taken that class, let alone my grade, until I was scanning my undergraduate transcripts the other day.
It's easy to look back and give meaning to mishaps in life. It's much harder when those hassles are right in your face. But if you are willing to wait long enough, things usually resolve themselves. Again, we know this is true but when we are in pain, we refuse to believe that it'll get better. Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't. Besides, having one thing resolved doesn't mean you'll never have to suffer again. I guarantee you, though, that by being pessimistic, you're not going to improve your situation; and by being slightly more optimistic, you'll at least have an easier time finding a meaning to your suffering. In the end, people who are good at meaning finding enjoy a greater sense of well-being. Things are still pretty lousy but the silver lining can really be the lifeline.
Now, back to the question of what the meaning of life is and why we have to suffer. I guess Viktor Frankl has done an excellent job in his book Man's Search for Meaning. Read it... and read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. If you still don't find a sense of inner peace after that, then something else isn't working right...
***
There is a second part to this piece. Do cherish the small stuff that lightens up your day. We don't win the lotto or get treated to a fancy dinner all the time, just as we don't get hit by a tsunami or a train every day. If you are willing to let small mishaps accumulate to upset you, why then, are you not trying to add up the small wonderful things as well to give yourself a reason to rejoice? There has got to be something worth smiling for, even if it is just a mindless commercial on TV, or the fact that your pet accidentally performs a silly move.
Now, hold it! Don't let that feeling slip. Catch the unhelpful thought that comes right after that lightness in your heart-- I mean, if you allow yourself to think, "I am pathetic, I am smiling over such a trivial thing because I have no one and nothing else that is worthwhile in my life..." then it becomes a problem. See, our human mind is capable of turning the most pleasant experience sour. So, go back, close your eyes, form in your head that mental image of the thing or person that made you smile, and smile one more time. OK?
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| Someone once commented that I seemed to be living vicariously through others. If that gives me joy and fulfillment, why should one see it as a problem?
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